HackGU Party Time!
by Wingshad0w
Summary: A drabbles series of Fics about random parties with people on haseo's member list chapter 4 - matsu, sphora and hirragi go adventuring in a field they meet pokuri and the dark god chim assassin, and raise more questions than answers, literally
1. Chapter 1

.Hack//GU party time!

This is just an idea I got some time (while reading a drabble fic-let) about making random parties from people on haseo's member address list and just from the games

As a warning, expect the azure knights to show up **a lot. **Cause' its fun to write a comedy about guys who can't speak.

-Begin-

Party – Natsume, Azure Kite, Endrance (with an appearance by Piros)

Natsume was bored, after her usual psychopathic rampage over some edge related item, of which she had no idea occurred. She wanted to form a party. And since Haseo had given out his entire member list address to everyone in his party Natsume felt now would be a good time to take advantage of having the member list of a three time emperor.

So she pulled out haseo's member list going over the names. "Let's see, atoli. No, Kuhn, no. Pi." A moment's pause, "No." She went down the list until she came upon a former arena emperor. Alkaid, "Alkaid, hmm. Oh my god Endrance, he is so much better I am inviting him now!" With an invite sent Natsume returned to her list wondering about the third member. "I would invite Piros but he's busy." Then she came to the bottom of the list, "OHMYGOD KITE! I need to invite him!" Without a moments pause she sent a message to Azure kite, who's typical reply was "…" nothing unusual there.

Endrance had been around when Natsume said kite, "Kite?" Endrance asked.

"Yeah, you know him?"

"Well…"

"Whatever I understand, he is a famous .hacker and all."

"Yeah." Endrance let that part of the conversation drop. It went a tad too deep into his personal life. And his awkward obsession with Haseo. Which was not really something he would care about most people knowing about but her, well…

Then azure kite showed up at the warp gate in breg epona. Drawing any number of stares during his arrival. Plenty of whispers went around. Then kite silenced them with his dictionary full of vocabulary, "Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

That was a full essays worth of information and insight. Everyone then chose to just treat him as another player after hearing his very intelligent speech.

"What did he just say?" Endrance asked no-one in particular.

"You couldn't hear it?" Natsume asked Endrance.

"Well um… no"

"Oh, are you an American trying to learn Japanese?"

"What?"

"I mean wasn't his conversation clear enough? Or was there some sort of malfunction in you're headset? I guess it would be the latter since you've been were the arena emperor for so long and you seemed to have a mastery of Japanese whenever you spoke."

"We'll go with that." Endrance said letting yet another awkward conversation drop.

Kite walked over to the group. For a moment he eyed Endrance. Then his character waved with a very zombie like wave. Then he saw Natsume. If his face could show expression it would have been one fraught with extreme horror.

"OHMYGODKITEIT'SBEENSOLONGWHEREHAVEYOUBEENWHYDON'TYOUPLAYTHEWORLDR:2ANDWHYDON'TYOUCALLMEANYMORE?" Natsume leapt up and hugged Kite with the most force the game could allow.

Endrance listened to kite, who was going on in his traditional, "EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Endrance thought that maybe he should help him. But then again perhaps Kite was saying, (In a British accent) "Why hello there good chap. I am pleased to see you too after all this time as well." And besides Kite had taken away Mia from him in R:1. So if this guy was in any way related to the old kite he could suffer a bit.

But after three hours of hugging and kite actually dying in a root town from the virtual damage inflicted, seven times, Endrance really felt no-one should have to suffer that much, that and he had gotten his mia back. So Endrance decided to let the subject of Natsume hugging kite to death drop and said, "Why don't we go into a field?"

Kite responded with a (take a guess), "Ehhhhhh."

Natsume bounded up out of nowhere and leaped over to the chaos gate. "Okay, I'll choose the area."

Kite asked Endrance a question in the moment before they left, "Ehhhhhh?" (Why did you let her pick the area?)

To which Endrance replied, "What, I couldn't quite comprehend what you said?" Then the trio warped out of the area.

-Area word, sigma hidden forbidden edge-

It was a level 150 area. Which sucked because everyone in the party was only level 140, save Natsume who was level 145. And they lacked some sort of healer to help their party out.

"We're screwed aren't we?" Endrance asked kite, then he though better of it, "Don't respond. I wouldn't understand you anyway."

"Well I have to take you to show you this awesome lost ground kite." Natsume said grabbing Azure kite's hand and Azure kite grabbing Endrance's hand. "It's where I got my weapon, SPIRAL EDGE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!" Natsume laughed an evil high pitched girly evil laugh as she ran along.

For a lost ground, which it was, there were a lot of monsters. The odd thing was that it was a lost ground shaped like a tri-edge sign. Also it was spaced between mountain peaks, so that around every corner there tended to be a lot of monsters. Around this corner, that corner. There were just so many of them. Well finally after circumnavigating the entire thing they had all the symbols. A warp panel appeared in front of them. Also there was a grunty, death grunty.

"I'm death grunty you're…" Death grunty looked at the three of them, "A zombie, some creepy girl that's too happy and someone who's obsessed with Haseo." He ended his sentence with a big, "OINK!"

Kite glared at the little pig in front of him. His right arm glowed he pointed it a death grunty and fired off a data drain. Death grunty jumped around that attack and kicked Azure kite in the face, with a cry of, "BOOT TO THE HEAD! OINK!", as he did so.

Kite lay on the ground; with his HP already low due to all the monster battles he had been Ko'd. But he had been Ko'd by death grunty, who is awesome.

Endrance and Natsume looked at azure kite for a moment, then at each other, then at death grunty. Natsume cast a revival spell she had learned via scroll on Azure kite. Endrance used some healing potions on him. Azure kite still lay still on the ground. "Guess death grunty is too much for you?" Endrance asked azure kite.

"Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."(Shut up) He said lying on the ground motionless.

"Really why is it that you don't talk?" Endrance asked no-one in particular.

Death grunty looked at them for a moment, "Well head this way in order to get you're super rare, super awesome, super secret super item! OINK!" He motioned to the pink warp gate. Which Natsume went through immediately dragging the other with her.

"Well here is the super special awesome temple with a rare edge weapon spiral ed-WHA!" Natsume shouted when she found that it was not tri-edge in there, Piros was there grabbing a lance. "Piros what are you doing here?"

Piros turned around and started, "Oh hi Natsume, I-! What are you doing with that hacker!?!?!?!?"

"What hacker?" Natsume asked, "Endrance?" She said looking oddly at the former arena emperor.

"No." Piros said, "I mean that odd enigmatic figure surrounded by blue flames, that legendary hacker." Piros had been making heroic poses all this time. Then he became more depressed, "THE ONE WHO DEFACED MY GRAPHIC BEAUTY!" Then heroic once more, "The infamous fiend, TRI-EDGE!" Piros then pointed at azure kite who backed away from the finger pointed at him.

"EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He said waving his hands at Piros and Natsume interchangeably. He pleadingly looked at Endrance who said,

"No such luck, this is for Mia."

"EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?"(WHO!)

Then Endrance warped out. Natsume suddenly became quiet, "I always liked you. Now I truly desire you." Her head had been down.

Piros looked at her, "What?"

Azure kite went (Guess, come on) "Eh?"

Then she lifted up her head. "I WANT YOU, TRI-EDGE!" Her eyes must signify the apocalypse on some level.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH/EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Piros and Azure Kite screamed as they ran away from the psycho Natsume. Who, every time she struck, would split the ground beneath them.

"You're mine tri-edge!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!" She said in her high pitched, now witch sounding girly voice.

Endrance was on his way back to the chaos gate when he heard the evil laugh. He then floored it all the way to the chaos gate and once in town he logged out of the world.

-End-

Don't expect every party to be like this. I just couldn't resist this type of ending since when Natsume opens her eyes in GU she reveals that she is the Antichrist.

So send me suggestions on parties from GU to make. If something sounds interesting enough, even if it's not people on haseo's member list, I'll do it!


	2. Chapter 2

.Hack//GU party time!

The long awaited sequel to chapter 1

Chapter 2

Well since I've been favorited by a bunch of people in less than a day (wow…) I guess I should try and write some more stuff. But again, it's hard to write this stuff. I only have one other 'party' planned, but it's more like a special (Christmas special perhaps?) so if anyone has any idea for a party either leave it in a review or go to my author page and send me a message via network or send me an e-mail.

Course if no-one has any ideas then expect spastic parties.

And another note, unless I get a party request with Haseo in it don't expect any parties with Haseo, unless I do something like an event where Haseo will be there with almost half the GU cast.

If you've seen returner… well imagine all those guys with speaking parts.

Chapter 2

Party – Silabus Alkaid and Saku

The former arena emperor Alkaid wanted to form a party, since she was rejoicing the fact that she wasn't in a coma and all. Well Alkaid figured that she should start up her relation with her old pal Silabus. Ok Silabus was in her party. Who else? Alkaid was still below level 130 and Silabus at level 145. But who else could she invite, pulling out haseo's member list she scanned over the names. "Umm…" she thought. "Well not that weirdo gaspard. Yata, no, Saku." Her name sounded familiar, "Oh yeah that tag-along who followed me around while I was arena emperor. And then when Endrance took my place she followed him." For a moment anger appeared. Then Silabus came.

"Alkaid!" He shouted.

"Silabus!" Alkaid said in return. In her moment of shock she accidentally tapped the right button on her controller to invite Saku, who said yes.

The two ran through the warp area of breg epona until they finally met somewhere in the middle. "Alkaid!" Silabus repeated, "It's been such a long time. When Haseo said you were in a coma I…"

"Yeah well don't get all whiny about it." A voice came from the chaos gate.

"Saku?" Silabus asked Alkaid. "I mean she even gets on **my **nerves from time to time."

"Yeah… She's been on my nerves ever since I lost the title of emperor."

"Oh she's in trifle?" Silabus asked.

"Ye-"

-Sigma Hidden forbidden temptress-

"WHAT THE!" Alkaid shouted at the happy little Saku.

"Well since you two were going to be making googly eyes at each other I figured I'd take you to an area where I could make googly eyes at master En…" Saku then ran off into the field.

"No you!" Alkaid shouted but then she just smacked her face. "And now I can't disband the party either."

"Well might as well make the best of it." Silabus said as he ran off after Saku.

"That's right." Alkaid muttered. "You like playing the world for fun." Then she saw how much Silabus 'enjoyed' playing with Saku. "But not with her." She swore as she ran after the pair running into a battle and giving the unfortunate level 150 monster the beating of a lifetime. Imagine, 999 hit combo.

Well Hidden forbidden temptress was in the approximate shape of a rose. (Unique!) The monsters tended to be pretty themed, (Rose, almost naked harpy, siren etc…) and there were small gardens everywhere. (Unique! Again!) It was a rather appropriate spot to make 'googly eyes' as Saku so eloquently put it. Many couples could be seen in benches that were spread out through out the area, including, oddly enough, kaki leader and butt-rice (butt-rice, lol).

And every once in a while members of the guild bad $$ would come along and mess up the various lovers day.

So Alkaid and Silabus never stopped for long unless in a battle.

Well finally after starting at the stem of the rose and going all the way to the top, literally, this level went up physically as well as in design, Saku ran ahead. Only to find Nazo grunty there. "What are you doing here you stupid grunty!" Saku screamed.

Then Nazo grunty revealed his left arm, it was a cement block. "For master!" He shouted and then whacked Saku in the head.

"GRUNTY GOING DOWN NOW!" Saku shouted as she produced her spell book. "Mak-von! Lei-zas! Rue-kruz!"

Nazo grunty avoided all her attacks. "Nazo tri-edge!" Nazo grunty shouted as his left arm exploded to reveal a mini-tri-edge AIDA on his arm. It was unknown if this was for synthetic effect or if it was real AIDA. But still he attacked Saku with his odd little left arm. A massacre that neither Silabus nor Alkaid were willing to stop.

"Um this is interesting." Silabus said.

"Yeah. But I have a question."

"Yes."

"Whose' grunty is that?"

"The grunty for the twilight brigade, except he's different… That arm of his is what is confusing me."

"Yeah."

"Wait!" Silabus said in time to an especially deathly blow to Saku. Alkaid and Silabus quickly healed her. "Didn't the guild master, Ovan, didn't he have an odd left arm?"

"Yea." Alkaid said sitting down. "But it was covered in armor and locked up, not a cinderblock."

"Ovan didn't wear a hat." Silabus countered, "Nazo grunty does."

"So whose idea was it to give Nazo grunty a cinderblock for a left arm?" (Cue scene with author making the v-for-victory sign)

"I have no clue."

On cue Saku landed right in front of the pair, with 30 out of 2300 hp remaining. "Help me!" She said, and then mock fainted.

All she got was a polite applause from Alkaid and Silabus.

"OH COME ON!" She shouted and then static crossed the screen.

"Well that was odd." Silabus said looking at the momentarily prone Saku. A moment passed and Saku had become Bo once more.

Bo got up dusted himself off with one healing item he restored his HP and SP to max. He cleared his throat, "Excuse me mister." Bo said to Nazo grunty, "My sister wants to get to the warp panel behind you to see a friend of hers. She won't do anything else."

"Ok." Nazo grunty said, bowed and warped out.

"What?" Silabus and Alkaid were very confused at that.

"That's all it took to get him to go?" Silabus asked Alkaid.

"I guess so." Alkaid shrugged.

Then Saku was back, but not to heckle Alkaid and Silabus in any way, she was there for, "MASTER EN!!!!!!!!!!" Then came the girly evil laugh once more, "MUAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Saku warped to the inner court area. It was the most fanciful monster free garden in the area. In the middle was a rock with a blade in it.

"Go get it." Alkaid said to the blade brandier of the party, Silabus.

Silabus walked over to the pedestal and pulled with all his virtual might, his hands slipped and he fell over backwards, and in fact went into the wall and was Ko'd from the fall/flight. Upon revival he said, "I'm no king Arthur."

"Well let the former arena emperor give it a shot." Alkaid pulled on the sword. She got nowhere.

Saku even tried, even though she said, "It could be a gift for master en!" Before she did. She failed.

Then a voice boomed from the sky, "You dare take the holy chim sword?"

"Ummm…" Was the group response.

"Well then prepare to face me, the dark chim lord!" Now came a good deep evil laugh, "MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Great Silabus!" Saku said, "You've now brought down a chim lord on our heads." On cue the thing fell, and hit Saku's head. Saku got minus 10 hp.

The dark chim lord was dark black on the lower half, with a white stripe, and a darker grey on his upper half. Also he had eyes that were on fire. And he was 1/3rd the height of Saku.

"That's what we have to beat?" Alkaid said pointing, "Well works for me, GHOST FALCON!" With a level three art up on the register to be used what did the dark chim lord do?

Shoot lighting of course!

Alkaid fell over frazzled to no end. Silabus attacked with his dust sword, nothing happened there either. Then Saku cast or-lei-zas. It did naught.

"What are we gonna do Silabus?" Saku asked.

"Well I'll revive Alkaid," He did that, "And we'll use you as a human shield!"

"Ok, WHAT!" Saku was in front of the terrified pair of lovers making 'googly eyes' at each other when suddenly a shot rang out. Then 17 more followed it. Then a giant eye appeared in the sky above the chim and the chim got caught in a massive sphere. Then Haseo left, with only Saku seeing him once.

Now defeated the Dark chim lord spoke to the trio of adventurers, "You have beaten me." He then said the next part too fast, "Here ya go!" And threw the sword at Silabus impaling him.

-End-

Well I'll admit I don't like it as much as chapter 1, but I still think it came out better than originally planned. Especially the two sentences Haseo appeared in.


	3. Chapter 3

.Hack//GU party time!

The long awaited sequel to chapter 2

Chapter 3

Credit goes to An Ordinary Fan for this party idea. It really awesome.

And again, if you've got any good party ideas I'm willing to listen. True I might ignore some, but any half decent parties I will make!

Chapter 3

Party – Zelkova, Yata, annnnnnnnnnnnd (dun-nah!) Piros the third

The former Guild master of Moon tree and master hacker had logged into the world once more to simply enjoy some time being a player. Well in order to adventure the in the world you had to have a party. So after some time's deliberation on who to ask from his own member list Zelkova finally put it away and brought out haseo's. "Let's see who to invite." Seeing atoli at the top Zelkova remembered the other moon tree members on the list. Matsu and Kaede. "No way am I going partying with them AGAIN!" Zelkova shouted furious. He stamped his feet on the ground in anger. Which caused several stares as the sight of the guildmaster of Moon tree exploding in anger was a new sight to almost everyone. And for anyone who had been living under a rock and didn't know what moon tree was they were interested in seeing a midget explode.

Zelkova meanwhile was just sick and tired of those same stupid guild members. Matsu and Atoli had been going on parties with him for over three months, every single freakin day. It was nice, for a week, and then it became worse. Matsu was just to 'chummy', and to macho. He always charged into battle without ANY thought, not even the battle sometimes. And atoli… Sure Zelkova understood that she was just trying to be nice and thus far he had tolerated her, but god he could see why Haseo found her annoying. She was always, always, always, blabbering on, and on, and on about peace and love. If Zelkova wanted that crap all the time he'd go to a hippie community.

And Kaede, alright Kaede he knew that she was being nice for a reason. Zelkova reminded her of her dead son. So he really could tolerate her a lot. But the fact was she _was_worse than his mother. She went with him _everywhere_. God it was a miracle she had left him alone when she went to go fight Gomorra's during the third network crisis.

Well then it was decided, no moon tree members. But who to pick. Haseo had plenty more non-moon tree people than moon tree ones. Well let's see. There was Antares, except he would be drunk about now. Um… Tabby? Zelkova paused, what was he thinking, she was like atoli, _but worse!!!_ Well then how about Yata. He had challenged to a bet that he could make him laugh, or cry. Ovan had done the second so now it was his job to do the first. But who to take with him to make Yata laugh? Antares, the drunkenness would be funny. But not Yata funny. Wait that other G.U. guy, um what was his name…

"PIROS THE THIRD!!!" Zelkova shouted as he remembered, quickly sending both invitations and getting positive responses immediately. Yata showed up first.

"You wanted to make a party?" Yata asked.

"What do you think, I invited you and you accepted."

"Touché." Yata said re-adjusting his glasses for no apparent reason. "Well who is our other member?"

"Well…" Zelkova said with a grin as he arrived.

"Piros the third the slow Doberman is here, at your service!"

"Don't tell me it's about that laughing bet."

"Yup." Zelkova said with a grin. He turned to Piros, "Hey Piros I've got some more information about those signs you're always checking out."

"You mean the hated signs of my nemesis, TRI-EDGE!!!" On the tri-edge his voice became low and scary and fire surrounded the pan inwards to his face.

"Wait," Yata said with no-one paying attention to him, "He doesn't mean –oof!-" Zelkova had elbowed him in the ribs.

"Ixnay on the AIDA-ay." He spat through his teeth to Yata. Then he returned to Piros, "Yeah, I heard a new sign was found in the world. I just so happen to have the area bookmarked so we can go investigate."

"Tri-edge?" Yata asked.

"Yes, you speak as if you know of him." Piros said, "Do you have any information. If you do it would so help with my search for my eternal foe." Again the effect that occurred with Piros saying 'tri-edge' (now to be called the tri-edge effect) occurred around his face, a black background with flames.

"I know a little. I do know about where the signs are and I have yet to hear of a new one." Yata said eyeing Zelkova suspiciously.

"Well then I welcome you an acquaintance in the search against TRI-EDGE!!!" (Cue tri-edge effect)

"Does that always have to happen?" Yata asked.

"No, I just do it for dramatic effect." That was all Piros said when Zelkova warped them out of Breg-epona.

-Sigma hidden forbidden Jester-

Zelkova arrived first, quickly checking over the area with a program he made sure everything was still in place. Once he was certain he let the other two arrive into his special area. Not before he got off a stress reliving evil laugh. "Bwahahahahhahahahahaha!" Had they been in town that would have gotten more than a few stares.

Then Yata and Piros arrived. "That took an unusual amount of time for us to warp to the area." Yata said glaring at the miniature hacker, who once more looked cute as a button.

"Yes." Piros agreed, Yata felt it was too good to be true that Piros would hit the target, but he listened anyway. "It must be the work of my mortal foe, TRI-EDGE!!!" (That effect thing)

"Really?" Yata asked, "Once every two minutes must you do that?"

"Heh-heh oops sorry. " Piros sent them a little emoticon with his message. "Well then shall we search?" Piros then ran off in some random direction.

"What an idiot." Yata muttered, "You do realize this will disgust me more than make me laugh right?" He asked Zelkova.

"Oh I still have one trick up my sleeve." Zelkova said with an evil grin. He then ran off towards a battle area which Piros had engaged in, pulling out his scythe along the way. Yata sighed and walked slowly along, taking out his fans immediately before entering the battlefield.

Finally after the battle Zelkova told Piros what he wanted to know. "The sign is in the other direction." He said pointing the way Piros had just come from.

"Oh." Piros said taking a moment to get up. "YAAAAAAAA!!!" He said running off towards the presumed direction of the tri-edge sign.

"You really want me to laugh don't you?" Yata said staring at Zelkova.

"Yup."

"You know I won't."

"Ace up my sleeve still there."

"Shut up."

"BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHA!!!" Piros laughed as he started his fifteenth battle. Zelkova and Yata again joined in with no qualms. They destroyed yet another foe. "So friend Zelkova, where is this tri-edge sign?" Piros asked.

"Just a hair further." Zelkova replied with a grin.

"Still not laughing." Yata sent Zelkova a whisper.

"Still have ace." Zelkova grinned back to him with another whisper.

"Shut up." Yata whispered again.

A few minutes later they reached the sign. Looking at the red mark in the ground Yata nor Piros felt anything special now that they have discovered it. "Poke it." Zelkova said with a smile on his face.

"You are deceivingly cute kid." Yata said when Piros poked the sign.

Suddenly a note struck out. A in c-major. (Or something) Then a blue orb descended. From it appeared, KITE OF THE AZURE FLAMES (cue tri-edge effect on kite, save with blue flames). Piros glared at what he presumed to be his mortal foe. "So you are tri-edge eh. Well we meet at last, taste my lance foul villain!!!" Piros charged and his massive lance hit kite dead in the center of his person. Kite wasn't even phased in the slightest.

"Ehhhhhhhhhhhh." Kite said raising up his right arm.

"What was that?" Piros asked.

"Ehhhhhhhhhhhh." Kite repeated.

"Oh well then I'm sorry for mistaking you for tri-edge. I would assume with you appearing after I poked the sign and showing up in that blue ball like the tri-edge of rumor that you were he. In fact you look a lot like my old friend kite."

"Ehhh." Kite said shrugging his shoulders.

"Oh so it happens a lot. Well that still doesn't justify it any more. I'm sorry sir. Please enjoy you're day."

"EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." Kite ended, then he turned into a blue ball and whisked away.

Yata and Zelkova were looking at Piros like he was a mad man. Why was it that they couldn't understand Azure kite but he could. Finally after a moment of mouths gaped open Yata told Zelkova, "Not laughing."

"Still got ace." Zelkova said running over to Piros. "So he wasn't your guy?" Zelkova asked.

"No." Piros sighed. "And to think me, the leader of project G.U. would mistake such a nice fellow for that dirty scoundrel tri-edge."

Then Yata heard it again. "G.U.?" He got on the ground wheezing. "You lead project G.U.? What a laugh!!!" Then Yata began to laugh out loud. "Oh god that is hilarious. What a joke, you lead G.U. And you just found tri-edge. Oh god that is funny."

Piros walked by giving a Yata an awkward glance. Zelkova moved him on and then leant into his ear. Sending Yata a whisper for good measure. "Ace."

Then Yata wheezed out his last laugh. "Damn…" he sighed "Fine you win. I'll send it to you tomorrow morning." He said as Zelkova left.

"Thank you." Zelkova replied with a bow.

-Next day-

"My Zelkova is really excited." Atoli said a she watched the kid to tumble summersaults and god knows what else.

"He's like a kid with a new toy." Matsu crooned.

"Actually he is." Kaede explained to the too.

"What is it?" They both asked.

"The serpent of lore."

"Oh." Both responded.

Then when Zelkova got the serpent Matsu Kaede and Atoli went out to an area. Zelkova tried out the serpent's functions.

Zelkova looked at all the buttons. "Which one to try first, taser, fire, epitaph…"

The three former moon tree members were going to have hell in the near future.

-End-

And this is the _canon _(Yeah right) reason why Zelkova has the serpent of lore in all of the GU fan-fiction where he does get it.


	4. Hot spring special

.Hack//GU party time!

The super special awesome x-mas special!

Yay!

All right so you know now this is essentially (plot wise anyways) the same as GIFT. But only with every character in Haseo's member list, and some that aren't. You know why the plots the same? Cause apparently the .hack creators find hot springs as a source of awkward humor. (Like legend of the twilight and GIFT)

It's the only chapter up to this point I feel deserves a T rating, cause of the perverseness later on. Ok there's extreme perverseness later younger kids really shouldn't read. Although since it's tabby it's more funny automatically.

Odds are the rest of the chapters will be K+, other specials may requisite other ratings, but I've got none planned yet.

As yet another aside this is set no more than a week after Returner.

Oh and a big thanks to An ordinary fan, and Dyingherinnocence for telling me about uploading the wrong chapter, oops... ()

Special 1

Party – Haseo's member address list, and a few other people, and Haseo.

Hot spring event.

Ryou (Haseo) had been avoiding the world for a couple of reasons since the Hidden forbidden festival from Ovan. Partly because he was genuinely busy. Partly because he didn't want to face Ovan for some time yet. Well a week after he started up his computer and checked his e-mails. Apparently there was a new one. From Ovan as should be expected.

Sender –Ovan-

Subject: Onsen

"Haseo I've heard of an event just recently opening up in the world. It's a supposed to be a hot spring within the world. Also it may be an abyss quest. All you're other party members already know and should be there soon. I'm sorry I was unable to contact you until now. So you better get cracking if you want to join this party. "

-Ovan-

Ryou looked over the e-mail. "Since when does Ovan use emoticons?" He asked no-one. "Well since I am free today and Ovan invited me to this I guess I should go." He sighed, then he logged into the world.

In the breg epona server of the world Haseo stood at the chaos gate and prepared to go in. But then he wondered, "What area am I supposed to go to." He paused standing there for several minutes. "Oh crap I should have read the forums!" He said rapidly logging out.

On cue Endrance Azure kite and Natsume arrived. "Well we're supposed to go to Hidden forbidden Onsen correct?" Natsume asked.

"Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Kite replied.

"Of course we are! I'm so silly." Natsume said reminded of how OBVIOUS it was by Azure kite.

Endrance was still not sure of what azure kite said. Nor for that matter how everyone else seemed to be able to. All he cared about was the fact that Haseo was going to be there. "Fine let's just go." And then the trio warped there, separately because they had just decided to meet in breg epona, not form a party. So the trio warped to the Area.

Then Silabus Alkaid and Saku walked into the warp square of Breg epona a few minutes later. "Hey guys." Silabus said to the pair.

"Hey Silabus." Alkaid said tackling the poor fellow.

Saku glared at Alkaid, "Distract Haseo or you die."

"Oh shush, you read the e-mail. Haseo has yet to do any part of the abyss quest so you'll have plenty of time to romance 'master en'."

"Don't mock me!" Saku shouted, as she began to kick Alkaid and Silabus. The two ran to the chaos gate and warped to the area. Saku was soon after them.

Then in walked Yata, Piros and Zelkova. Zelkova was still grinning over Yata for getting a copy of the serpent of lore. And he was happy he got to try out the epitaph button. (What does the Epitaph button do? Who knows…) Zelkova started, "Well now I'm rather surprised Ovan was able to have an event that none of us knew about."

"I know." Piros said, "Perhaps this could be the work of my mortal foe, TRI-EDGE!!!" (Cue tri-edge effect)

Yata sighed, "You have no idea." He mumbled. Then they all warped.

In walked Matsu and Kaede to breg epona's square. "We were supposed to meet atoli here, where do you think she is?" Matsu said looking around.

"I'm not sure but considering that odd appearance in that dungeon do you think that she was scared away from the world." (The epitaph button?) Kaede replied scanning the crowd harder.

"No I doubt it." Matsu said as he focused in on one spot. "Yup found her. Wait what is that winged guy and naked guy doing to her?"

The two ran up to atoli, who had Azure Balmung and Azure Orca on either side of her. Save they were looking at her lustily. Very odd considering they only existed on the internet.

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING TO ATOLI!!!?" Kaede shouted.

Then a blue orb came down. Azure kite appeared from it, "EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." He said seemingly infuriated. But for all we know he could be saying, 'good job guys. You got me another one to take advantage of.'

When Kite said this Balmung and Orca the pair bowed and walked away. Kite shook his head and with an ever eloquent, "Ehhh." To atoli left too.

"Did you understand a word they said?" Matsu asked atoli.

"Yup."

"HOW?" Matsu said exploding into her face.

Kaede had chosen the option of warping out instead of dealing with Matsu and atoli. The other two rapidly followed her.

Then in walked, well a lot of people. Gaspard, Kuhn, pi, tabby, shino, and the rest of haseo's party all arrived in breg epona simultaneously. They all were ready for the event. And they all left at once in order to get there in time.

-Meanwhile with Haseo-

Haseo struggled through the dungeon as literally hundreds of enemies surged at him. After almost dieing almost 12 times over Haseo got tired of it all. He became surrounded by a red glow. "Come on." The monsters all began to back away. Then a force appeared behind them. "Come on." Haseo kept on talking when a lone Chim appeared. "I'm right here!" The chim walked up to Haseo. "SKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ITH!!!" Then skeith appeared. As avatar space emerged all the monsters looked at Haseo as if they could see his avatar. They all seemed afraid, but that chim… Well that chim summoned up death grunty.

"Death grunty?" Avatar Haseo said as he looked at the little pig. "Bring it; I always wanted to beat you anyway." Haseo shot stun shots at the little pig. He evaded them. Then Haseo did some lock on shots. Again the same, somehow. Then out came the flame scythe. Haseo slashed and slashed and slashed at the grunty. But nothing landed. "WHYYYYYYY!!" Haseo shouted to the sky. "DIE YOU GODDAMN PIG!!!" He said preparing a data drain to use on the poor NPC. He fired it off but death grunty evaded the attack. Morally defeated Haseo left his avatar form and asked pathetically, "Why?"

"Why?" Death grunty replied. "Because I'm invulnerable to attacks." Haseo looked at death grunty. "Now let kick some monster butt, OINK!" Pulling out full sized copies of haseo's dual guns.

"Right." Haseo said doing the same. "Let's kick some major ass." Then the two were joined by a chim. Thus came how the three most deadly forces in the game joined together. Haseo, death grunty and the chim-chim's. (Chim-chim's those blue bastards; they're bent on taking over the world… KICK THEM NOW AND FOREVER)

-Hidden forbidden Onsen-

Well the first few groups that had arrived in the hot springs already. But no-one had done anything to do anything. They all felt it was rather awkward undressing in a video game environment. Save, Kuhn, Matsu and Antares. Kuhn and Matsu were pimps, Antares was drunk. Also there was tabby who was awkwardly more comfortable with undressing in front of all these guys than the other girls.

Then he showed up. With a few words the man with orange glasses managed to make everyone at least head to the proper changing rooms.

Haseo in the meanwhile had managed to beat the abyss quest with a chim and death grunty as his party members. And with those two still in his party, somehow, he went to the quest shop with them in his party. He cleared the quest, got the member addresses of the chim and death grunty, somehow, and then logged out upon receiving an e-mail with the hidden forbidden onsen area words. Haseo logged back in and went to Breg epona. He walked up to the chaos gate and went to the area. When he arrived he saw what everyone else had seen. "It's a hot spring?" He muttered, "Mens to the left, ladies to the right. Well… I guess I'll go to the left for now."

Haseo went to the left and he went to the changing room. Selecting the 'change' function that appeared his character actually changed into a towel, it wasn't just a poof and the towel was on, he actually removed his, um, stuff and put on a towel instanteously.

Walking into the hot spring he saw a group of a bunch of the guys he had met over the course of his time in the world there was, (big list…) IYOTEN, Endrance, Silabus, Gaspard, taihaku, Sirius, the arena commentator (yes he's there), Gabi, grein, Hetero, Hideyo, Hirragi, Kazubolo the worlds' last hope, and seisaku. The other guys were apparently elsewhere. Haseo wasn't dumb he knew exactly where they were. But feeling the desire to just relax in the hot spring, and his house's hot tube in the real world, all at the same time, Haseo descended into a hot tub and a hot spring. Then the awkwardness began.

"Oh Haseo!" Endrance crooned in a vague attempt at what seemed to be a seducing manner. "Why don't you come over here and join me in the hot spring. We can be together."

On cue Haseo scooted farther away. And right into Hirragi. "What are you doing you big jerk. You beat my great lord sakaki. You should feel lucky I don't Pk you right now." Haseo walked over to Gabi Sirius and Taihaku who were all in a corner simply talking with each other each being considered one of the most powerful characters in the games.

Haseo was too so he was admitted into the conversation without any sort of awkwardness. "Hey Haseo!" Gabi shouted in his ever brief Gabi manner.

"Greetings Haseo." Taihaku spoke like an old man who seemed to know too much. "How are you?"

"Haseo I'm surprised you're late." Sirius spoke up. "I thought someone of your power level would be here earlier."

"So sue me I had to deal with nearly endless enemies to get there ok!" Haseo shouted. "I doubt you three would have done any better on your own!"

The three looked at each other nodded and then looked at Haseo, "We did." They chanted in unison.

Haseo sighed, off to hopefully one not awkward situation. Hopefully…

Silabus, gaspard, Kazubolo the world's last hope, IYOTEN, Grein, Seisaku, Hideyo were all in the middle of the spring listening to the commentator um, well, commentate. "And now here comes the Arena emperor Haseo. Haseo how does it feel to be rejected by two groups in a row!?!" The arena emperor glared at the group and produced his dual guns.

"Die." He began to shoot with all the insanity he had. When all was said and done the rock they had ducked behind for cover was just about gone, the group slipped out from behind the little stick and ran away. "And stay away!" Haseo shouted after them.

No one else in the hot spring seemed like they would be interesting to talk to so Haseo decided to go join the other guys. It was painfully obvious where they were.

"Hey guys." Haseo said in a towel to the line of men looking through the bamboo into the girl's spring. It really had been too easy. If a girl came they were screwed. Oh well Haseo would enjoy the view while he was here.

Meanwhile Saku had a plan (cue spy movie music). Running along with some superhuman agility she leaped up over the bamboo fence/curtain/border thing and using it as a springboard she leapt over to the mens side. While she was in the air she happened to see the group of guys staring like idiots, and more importantly she saw Haseo without master En so she screamed out, "THE GUYS ARE PEEPING!" That made a stir. Of course her scream was just text that appeared over her head and since all the girls were looking at her act of amazing superhuman-ness they all saw her text appear and her pointing down into the bamboo.

Then the oblivious men learned how scary and angry women could be. All the girls pulled out their weapons and charged. The men were hopelessly clueless or outnumbered. Some guys just stared until some girl whacked them upside the head. Others ran for their life.

Saku continued with her little evil plan, since men could go into the girl's hot spring there was little logic suggesting the plan wouldn't go the other way round. Landing in the middle of a crowded male hot spring that was listening to the perverts get beaten to death. Everyone was laughing as they heard screams of pain. And the 'EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'s of the azures. Who had been just as bad as the rest of them, if not worse. Azure Balmung could be seen floating above the chaos however and he was getting a big eyeful.

Then Saku made her presence known. "MASTER EN!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" It was like Endrance was john Paul George and ringo wrapped up into one. And Saku was the rabid fangirl watching the second British invasion.

Everyone looked at Saku and shouted, "Girl, beat her up!" Then they all produced their weapons.

"CRAP!" Saku swore as she ran around constantly trying to get and Endrance while trying to avoid the men's attacks.

Meanwhile Haseo ran out of the bamboo and into a door. The sign on the door read, "Twilight brigade, and Aina'. Haseo fit into that category so he went in, if only to escape. Of course upon entering he ran into tabby naked. "Um hi tabby." Haseo said feeling very, very, very awkward.

"Oh hi Haseo!" Tabby exploded. After a moment she put her finger on her chin and pondered something.

Haseo looked at Tabby, her body was one of the better looking female Pc's he had seen during the course of the game, true she looked somewhat different in real life, but this was a game and he was looking at her in the game. "Um…"

"Oh I get it!" Tabby said with a pound of her fist.

"Get what?" Haseo said more confused now than anything.

"Well everyone was so confused about how relatively open I was with walking around naked." Haseo sure felt that way, "Well I'll tell you why. One it's a video game so it's no big deal. Two, in medical school you see plenty of naked bodies of either sex in co-ed classes so nudity isn't as awkward for me as you would think."

"Um that's nice." Haseo said still feeling awkward. "That doesn't change a thing for me."

"Oh come on Haseo relax, have some fun!" Tabby grabbed Haseo and spun him around while holding on very tight to him.

"Still awkward!" Haseo said as he spun around and his real world player began to get dizzy.

"Oh fine, just go talk to the others then." Tabby said sounding disappointed of all things. But she turned around giggled.

Haseo gave her an odd look but continued on. Then he saw Sakisaka. He was standing in about three inches of water. Haseo noted that this spring snaked around like a maze, perhaps it was the abyss part of the spring Ovan had talked about.

"Hey man what's up?" Sakisaka asked Haseo.

"Not much yourself?"

"Oh nothing, just enjoying the view."

"What do **you **mean by 'the view'?"

"Come on, I've got two things to show you. Oh you may want to put you're clothes on, because up here is rather chilly."

"But my clothes are in the men's changing room."

"Doesn't matter just go to the changing room and you're clothes will be there."

Haseo went in with Sakisaka and found his clothes were indeed in this changing room, as were Tabby's, aina's and shino's. "Shino's here too?" Haseo asked.

"Yup she's somewhere deep in the maze, I saw her once but that was almost an hour ago."

"Oh." Haseo had dozens of thoughts race through his head, few shino would have liked.

"Come on, at least one thing I've got to show you should get rid of that blush."

Haseo ran out after Sakisaka, then up the wall where he indicated. Then along the top of the rock wall, where Haseo could see the maze, it wasn't too huge, but it was decent sized. Finally they came to a fork in the path. "Alright here we go left first." Sakisaka said they ran left and found a staircase. They went up it. "It's actually a lost ground." Sakisaka said as they got near the top, "It's called the six ringing peaks of Al Fadel." Then Haseo got out, from there he could see Mac anu, dol dana, breg epona, Lumina Cloth, and off in the distance, but visible, was Tartaga.

"Wow it's amazing." Haseo said as he looked. "It's times like this when you forget you're just in a game."

"Yeah well I've got one more thing for you to see!" Sakisaka said as he grabbed Haseo and ran back to the other side of the fork.

Arriving on a plain thing of rock that was just a big old square Sakisaka took Haseo to the edge and pointed over it. "Look down." He said and Haseo did.

Below them was the women's hot spring. It was like they were just above it, but even when someone looked up no-one saw them.

"Whoa nice view." Haseo said with a maniacal grin.

"Yea ain't it." Sakisaka said seeming almost relieved. Then the pair looked at each other and laughed. "I'm gonna go back to the twilight spring, you should go find shino in that maze."

"All right I'll go do that." Haseo said. He then jumped off the edge.

Sakisaka looked to the edge Haseo had jumped off of. He heard a splat far down on the ground. "Ouch." He said. "That's a KO."

On the ground Haseo had his head completely buried in the ground. He wasn't dead though. He still had 1 hp left. 'Thank you vitality scrolls' Haseo thought to himself as he pulled himself out of his hole. Then taking his clothes off, again, he wandered into the watery maze, of course right before he did anything he encountered Aina right when he got out of his hole. "Um hi Aina." Haseo said.

"You're looking for my brother aren't you?"

"Yes I am."

"He's at the end of the maze. You should go find him."

"That's what I plan to do. And what about you, you aren't in there with him."

"Well since I'm gravely ill I can't stay online for too long. So I'm going offline and getting some rest."

"Oh…" Haseo trailed off. "Well then enjoy yourself, I think."

"You should enjoy yourself too Haseo." Aina grinned, "I think you will."

"Ok." Haseo said confused. Then he looked at Aina, she seemed like the girl in the exorcist at the moment. "Um aren't you sick?"

"Oh yea!" Then Aina ran out of the twilight brigade room.

"That was strange." Haseo thought to himself as he moved to the changing room and changed.

Finally, after dealing with a nude and seemingly drunk tabby, and a 'manly' Sakisaka Haseo ran into the maze of hot water. He had gotten out of his Hot tub a while ago in the real world and in the few moments he needed to put on his shirt Tabby had appeared. Naked and very drunk now. "Are you drunk?" Haseo asked her.

"Yep." She said and then hiccupped, "I got the idea from Antares."

"I should have known." Haseo pouted in the game.

"Oh come on, Haseo relax!" Tabby giggled and shoved her chest in his face.

"TABBY!!!" Haseo shouted, "I will attack you, get out of my face!!!"

He swung her around and managed to get her off and then used his dual gunner dash skill to run far away. Finally deep within the maze he stopped panting to realize he was totally lost. After wandering around for several minutes he thought he had seen something around a backwards bend. Up to his belly button in water he backed up to find shino in only what the character designers gave her (bad joke there, laugh). The situation was awkward, both were naked and both had been very intimately related before. Haseo blushed and tried to back away. Shino walked up to him, "Haseo are you looking for Ovan?"

Haseo nodded but still walked backwards.

"I see, so am I, but no matter how long I wander I can't find him." She seemed pissed. "That bastard, always running away, why can't he stay still god-damnit!!!" She kicked what she could, it was haseo's groin.

Currently with 1 hp left the kick in his weak point was to much for his character to bear, with a -4987 hp number appearing over his head Haseo got Ko'd. Shino looked at him, dirty thoughts ran through her mind. Haseo could still see and saw them through the screen, "RES ME NOW!" He shouted over his headset.

"Fine. Pha-rep-maen." Haseo came back with full health. "But can you help me find Ovan, I need to really beat up that bastard and make him experience my long building up but well hidden rage."

"You seem angry. And perverse."

"Well it's because Ovan e-mail really brought out my not normal emotional range." Shino formed a fist in anger, then reached to Haseo and put her arms around him. Haseo was incredibly confused at this and backed up into a wall. Then Shino pulled her hands out and produced haseo's scythe. "Take me to Ovan."

"What!?!" Haseo said now even more scared. Shino was most likely PMS'ing and naturally angry to boot. Even if this was a game Haseo felt a kill may put him into a coma right now.

"I'll bet Ovan set up this area so that only epitaph users could find him. So you are going to lead me to him." Shino put the scythe around the back of haseo's neck and then jerked it forwards, "GOT IT!!!!"

Haseo was wrong Shino had super PMS and un-natural rage building up to boot. "Fine." Haseo said pathetically.

Finally after hours of wandering around, and another Tabby encounter that made a drunken tabby stuck with their group, they found a random door with a note, "Welcome". That was all. Haseo opened the door and looked in.

"Welcome ha-HOLY CRAP!!!" Ovan swore as shino leapt at him with the grim reaper's scythe and intent to disembowel. He was dead in a heartbeat.

-Anti-climactic and very unusual, End-

Well it was by far my oddest chapter yet, but I feel satisfied about it and think that it simulates the spirit the GIFT writers had when they wrote gift.

Also it was my most slapstick chapter yet, Skeith defeated by death grunty? Well I knew Death grunty was amazing, and so are the Chims (those blue bastards). So enjoy next chapter we'll get Antares to teach two 'lucky' disciples, and we'll get back to the normal cycle of things, I hope!


	5. Chapter 4

.Hack//GU party time!

The long awaited sequel to chapter 3/the x-mas special

Chapter 4

Well I hope that you enjoy this party; it's going to explain why tabby seemed somewhat out of character in the special (I hope) and why shino was so pissed off at the world.

And it has Antares full out drunk, and we all know that is fun.

Also it occurs IMMEDIEATLY before onsen. (Dear god I'm making references like their canon… Is that good bad or proof of my own arrogance?)

-Begin-

Party (if you haven't surmised by now) –Tabby, shino, Antares-

Tabby was logging into the world again, her classes apparently weren't destined to take up as much of her time as she had originally thought. Well since she had the time she should enjoy her favorite video game, the world.

Now a basic element of 'the world' was to gather up friends you had made in the game and invite them on parties into areas. Basic it was but key it was too. Well poor tabby, since staying out of the world for some month or so due to her being in medical school, had only one friend who was ever online with any sort of vague frequency, Shino.

Well inviting her took a grand total of about, oh, a nanosecond to do. But then came the matter of whom else to put in her party. Her member list: Sakisaka, phyllo, Shino, Ovan, Haseo. Haseo was the only other person who showed up in the world with any regularity besides shino. But he wasn't online right now. Onto his member list. He wasn't using it why would he care right? Well who to choose. After figuring out a bunch of ways to arrange the names on haseo's member list she finally picked the first male name she came across alphabetically. She picked a male one because she wanted to see if she could find any hot guys in the world, cause she needed a break from the bozo's she had to deal with in real life.

Not really knowing ANYTHING about the guy she had picked when shino arrived Tabby had lot's of questions for her. Of the many there were only one was really related to this. "Hi shino." Shino took a breath in to respond, "I've got questions for you. Why isn't Haseo online at all lately? Where have you been the last week? Who is Antares? And if a plant and a fish were to face off who would win?"

Shino paused in mid getting ready to say hi, again, to type out, "WTF?"

"I see." Tabby said sounding intelligent, "Chuck Norris would beat both the plant and the fish."

"Well hey there, are you on crack you crazy kids?" Came the voice of what sounded like a crazy old man. And that crazy old man happened to be named Antares.

"You're antares right?" Tabby said.

"And you're tabby. If I had known you were on crack I wouldn't have come."

"Shut up about me being on crack!"

"Ok."

"Thank you."

"But I know you're drunk!"

"Ah damnit! I haven't drunken anything since my last party three weeks ago!"

Shino walked over to the chaos gate and began to pick her area. "Hmm, what area to bring these two and make them suffer." Shino mumbled as devious thoughts that may register her as a psychopath, but actually came from pent up rage from Ovan leaving, Ovan returning out of nowhere, Ovan putting her in a coma, her being in a coma so long her rage could reach a level that was physically unhealthy for her, and Ovan manipulating Haseo, her second most revered man in her life, next to Ovan, of course… (Yea…) Once she picked her area (of DOOM) she warped.

-Hidden forbidden psychopath's lair-

When Antares and tabby quickly followed her in and saw the area words the same question popped out of both of them, "Who comes up with the area words?" Shino already had asked herself that so she didn't have to actually voice her question.

The area was a more intimidating looking than usual cave area. Shino grinned, she had been real pissed off after Ovan had disappeared without her being able to see him, and the fact that he had appeared to Haseo and not her did not help things in the least. So the lucky two people she happened to find annoying to varying degrees would suffer for her suffering, if only she had the ability to summon innis. "Well lets go." Shino said with an evil grin. She knew for a fact that this area had plenty things that scared tabby until she was white in the face and shino doubted all of Antares bravado would really do all that much once they were in the area. And so they began their venture, OF DOOM. Um… DOOM, and um DEATH and um well PAIN, well perhaps not much of that, there may be some SUFFERING but I'm not sure…

The first group of monsters would scare poor tabby shitless, for lack of a better word and currently having a 'T' rating. One was a dog, natural predator of cats; another was a massive spider that looked very, very intimidating. The last was a smelly pile of goo that looked especially gross. Even Shino felt like she was going to barf when she saw it, and somehow CCcorp was able to make it actually smell. That helped not in the least. Tabby looked back and forth at the three things she had to face down. Finally after three minutes of staring she charged at the goo, viciously beating it to death as best she could. After three minutes of constant, very, _very, __**very, **_violent beating the thing was dead and Tabby was covered in smelly black brown and green disgusting goo. Antares looked at her, "Interesting. You appear to be afraid of these creatures, which is why you attacked that thing and now seem to be content with being covered in goo."

Antares stared at her for a moment, after over three minutes worth of those moments during which shino beat the other monsters with her harvest cleric staff, tabby asked, Antares, "Are you ogling my boobs?"

"Why yes." Antares chuckled, "Save this goo covers you entirely in practically a foot of, well, goo. Well I know how to temporarily get you over your fears. You're a college student right?"

"Yes."

"You're living in a dorm room correct."

"Yes."

"You have alcohol available to you as you choose correct?"

"Yes."

"Get a lot and start drinking you and I will have a drinking fest while playing the world!" On cue tabby had an AFK message up. "Wow she actually did it." Antares muttered.

"Are you going to do it?" Shino said giving Antares a shifty look.

"Of course!"

"I should have expected as much." Shino sighed.

Two minutes later, with Antares having had half a cup of some alcoholic beverage, tabby returned. "So I've got a fair amount of booze now what?"

"Drink until you can't drink no more!" Antares shouted _REALLY _loud. Shino and tabby winced at the sheer volume of it. But tabby could then be heard chugging something, undoubtedly alcohol.

"OH joy two drunkards." Shino muttered as she charged into a battle hoping to die. Giving the monster all of 12 damage with her staff she stood there taking blow after blow after blow. Then came her companions.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!" Antares and Tabby shouted as one. Tabby began to rip monsters into four pieces with her claws and Antares was cutting monsters clean in half. It was a gruesome scene. It ended with tabby covered in pixilated gore and goo. This in itself was odd enough. To hear her talk with a massive drunken slur was interesting, and scary, in its own right. "Hey shino. Wa'sup howz thingssssss."

Shino was really confused, Antares even went, "Huh?" But them everything made sense, sort of, with one question, "Tabby how much alcohol did you have?"

"Three cups of Russian gut rot vodka."

"What was the cup size?"

"Pretty damn big! Whoop! Almost fell in the real world there!" Then on cue came the emoticon that shino would come to recognize as the tabby emoticon of doom, "". (DOOM)

"Either you have absolutely no tolerance for alcohol or that vodka is high proof." Antares said with a grand giant gesture. "I say we go wild, shino won't have to heal us if we're strong enough!"

Three levels later with both of them dead. "Pha-rep-maen!"

"NOT STRONG ENOUGH!"

Five levels after that. "Pha-rep-maen."

"MUST BE STRONGER!"

Another 22 levels after that. "Pha-rep-maen."

"STRONGER STILL!"

"Are you sure you don't mean drunker still?"

"No I'm not. But to be sure…" A pop was heard, "Bottoms up tabby!" With several minutes of chugging to keep them busy Shino looked at the time.

"Damn five hours without a drink and they're still that drunk. Impressive or scary I don't know witch."

However they're final drink for the dungeon was this for then the boss appeared, it was a massive chim assassin. "I AM THE DARK GOD CHIM ASSASSIN! I WAS NOT EASY TO PROGRAM INTO THE GAME BUT THE PROGRAMMERS MADE ME ANYWAY!"

"THE HELL!" Shino roared. "If you were so hard to make then why did the program you!?!"

"WELL MOST OF THE GAMING PROGRAMMERS A _REAL _NERDS."

"Worse that these two drunk?"

"I WOULDN'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW MY PROGRAMMERS AT ALL BESIDES THAT LITTLE FACT THAT THEY PROGRAMMED INTO ME."

"Ok, CCcorp. Is _real _weird, it's more official than before. Well mister chim assassin dark god thing can you kill them for me?"

"SURE."

"Thanks." And the dark god chim assassin attacked, by launching thousands of chim assassins. Once Tabby and Antares were dead shino burst into maniacal laughter.

"DAMN YOU ARE EVIL." The dark god chim assassin muttered. "WANT TO JOIN DARK FORCES?"

"DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Shino roared at a volume that made 'the world' shake across the sigma server. Then she began whacking it with her harvest cleric staff. When the boss was dead and shino had amazing new equipment she left, her partners stuck on the floor dead with 'rez please' above their heads.

-End-

W00T dark god chim assassin. Shino pissed off beyond belief and shino and Antares both piss drunk. I really have too much fun doing this.


	6. Chapter 5

.Hack/GU party time!

The long awaited sequel to chapter 4

Chapter 5

Well I figure it's about time for another .hack/party time chapter, so here I come doing a party request (gasp, me listening to other people, gasp!)

Party: Matsu Hirragi and sophora (and yes I know that Hirragi and Sophora both technically aren't on haseo's member list, but I never made party 'rules' so to speak) -and the party is from Blu Rose-

-Begin-

Matsu logged into the world to play a game with some people he knew. Since he was trying to rebuild the Moon tree guild it sure would look good for him to get moon tree members in his party. He brought up a mental list of who to invite. After thinking he ditched a party with Kaede and Atoli, the last time he had a party with them, um well… let's say giant mutant rabid cats were the tip of the iceberg. And sakaki, while he somehow still was playing to world, somehow, he should just burn in hell for the ass he had been so that was that, and as an extra aside he randomly sent Sakaki some hate mail. Which was met by another player in the real world, who had been borrowing the character profile of the child named Toru Uike, who promptly replied with a voice message in 22 different languages and using several frequencies found to keep random hate mail senders away from you for good. Let's just say that the study that proved that was amazingly correct.

Looking through the list of moon tree members Matsu saw that Zelkova was 'busy'. Checking to see if he wasn't just kicking chims out somewhere Matsu sent him a flash mail saying something about the party he got an automatic reply back, 'Busy watching the world, the whole world with the serpent of lore, MUHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA'. Put off by the evil laugh over anything else Matsu simply left him alone to his little evil devices.

"So who's left…?" Matsu muttered to himself as he looked at his screen. Sophora and Hirragi were the only two names available on his list, somehow. Matsu had no problem with sophora, the girl (Sophora lacks an 'official' gender so since her (real world her) last character was a female I'm assuming her second one is too) was quiet but still would at least continue a conversation you started with her and more importantly she could fight. Hirragi on the other hand… Well lets say 'it' had 'it's' problems. And the blatant homosexual stereotype was actually not the worst (really though, do people in Japan think at all about American culture when they create characters like that?). Seriously Matsu had no problem with that, odd though it may be. What really scared Matsu, and sophora, and Atoli, and Kaede for that matter were scared of Hirragi's bi-polar swings. While Hirragi himself had denied it Matsu could swear the man, woman, whatever, was bi-polar.

Well after inviting sophora and getting a positive response that consisted of '…!' Matsu pondered inviting Hirragi for a moment until sophora came, trailing a special someone. He was tall-ish had very beat up looking red clothing and creepy looking blue skin, and most importantly, he was floating. He and sophora were 'conversing' maybe. "…." Sophora began, somehow.

"Ehhhhhhhhhhhh." Azure kite responded.

"…?" Sophora 'asked'.

"EEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Azure kite 'screamed' as out of nowhere Piros leapt into the mass of people.

"Hello there ye' with fine eyes, do you have details on my hated foe tri-edge."

"Ehhhhhh."

"…" sophora um… replied?

"I see, I thank both of you for your valuable information I will continue on the hunt for tri-edge further. Bye ye of fine eyes, and new friend of mine!" Piros said as he ran to the warp gate and waved. Both Azure kite and Sophora waved back.

"That decides it; Hirragi is getting invited so I can TALK." And with an especially hard push on the real world invite button Hirragi was invited to the party.

After a moment a reply came from Hirragi, "Oh Matsu, it's you. Sure I'll go on a party with you, pretty boy."

Matsu smacked his face in the game and the real world. He should just leave now and risk looking like an ass.

Five minutes later he was really regretting on not following through on that thought. Hirragi showed up as the flamboyantly gay stereotype that he usually was and shouted, "Hey Matsu, you little kiddy, how are you?"

"You know I'm really regretting logging onto the world today." Matsu said plainly with a glare at the silent sophora and Hirragi. "I'm very tempted to just leave."

"…" Sophora glared at Matsu.

"NEVER!" Hirragi exploded as he hand grasped Matsu's head and squeezed.

"AH MY BRAIN!" Matsu screamed in pain as his hit points rapidly decreased. "RUN AWAY!" He shouted as he attempted to escape using the log out command at the warp gate, but missed. And then he warped.

-Hidden forbidden tormenting friends-

Matsu sighed, he really was screwed now. He just had to go to an actual area, not log out. This really sucked. Now he was really stuck with these two. "Well since we're here might as well actually do… well stuff." He said as he pulled out his bayonet. "Pk'ing idiots at two o'clock." He muttered. "Shall we ladies?" Matsu asked.

Sophora replied with an ever enthusiastic "…" And Hirragi said, "Bring it on bitches!" With a scary yell. Matsu personally felt a few short seconds away from shooting himself. Sophora made his twin blades appear in traditional ninja style, like having them shoot out of his sleeves. And Hirragi produced his fans ever gracefully as he did a small dance in producing them. The three charged into the blue field in order to save whoever was getting attacked inside.

However who they saw once inside surprised everyone. Apparently the person who was being attacked was Haseo, and he was getting ganged up on by all eight chaotic PK's. "We will defeat you!" Shouted the top ranked chaotic of them all.

Matsu looked at Haseo, he was tempted to save him but at the same time he was more tempted to just watch. Hirragi and sophora both then charged in and began doing damage to the PK's. But still the fight was in favor of the chaotics; apparently they had a harvest cleric among them doing healing. Matsu looked at the guy, his name was Pokuri. Matsu knew him from his several attempts to Pk random people, as a harvest cleric or course. Matsu stared, he had beaten him no less than 38 times and if someone was ever to lose to him in combat well… they would have to be a N00b. Haseo was not a n00b in any respect. Not only was Haseo not a n00b but he had beaten Matsu before. While he didn't want to see Haseo win, he wanted Pokuri to win even less. Matsu pointed his bayonet at the harvest cleric locked on to him and shouted, "Dusk bullet!" Pokuri had been destroyed by that single hit and ended up dead. Without a harvest cleric to help them the chaotics were, well, helpless. In a few moments of fighting the remaining 7 chaotics were taken down with Matsu actually helping. When the fight was said and done Matsu decided to rant. "Haseo how the hell did you get caught off guard like that!"

Haseo had extended his hand to shake with his helpers but then just glared at Matsu. "OFF GUARD!!" He exploded, "I had a party of three, and they had a party of 227!! What was I supposed to do? Just get 50 people to join my party on a whim I didn't have!!"

"Party of three?" Matsu asked.

"Yeah." Haseo said pointing to his other party members, Silabus and gaspard. "They were with me for the first 150 or so, and then gaspard finally got taken down a Silabus soon followed."

"You fought 217" Matsu started.

"27" Silabus corrected

"227 guys!" Matsu said as he looked at his partners. "Why didn't you say anything!?"

Haseo sighed, "We did."

"Yea, what did you say?" Matsu asked.

"A lot." Haseo replied.

"Prove it."

"They did Matsu." Hirragi said as he bent down and nodded his head oddly.

"…" Sophora said doing the same thing.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Matsu asked his partners.

"Well I was busy keeping the guys busy with my feminine wiles." Hirragi said posing. "So sophora tried to tell you."

Matsu remembered, that must have been why sophora had been waving, um, her arms in the air frantically. "Oh." Matsu muttered. Currently he was in doubt of both the feminine wiles part equally as much as the sophora communicating part. Also he was randomly wondering why a corp. of ninja's in a game world was such a big deal, he had heard of the ask a ninja guild that did the exact same thing as sophora's medic unit had done, down to the healing part time ninja's the other part. Only they were public about it and didn't treat it seriously at all.

"Is anybody home? Haseo just left." Hirragi said hiking his thumb at the chaos gate.

"Hm, oh yeah." Matsu muttered, he currently was involved in the process of breaking the fourth wall while mentally musing over the mysteries of the universe. Like:

Can god make a rock so heavy he can't lift it?

Can someone actually make time travel possible by traveling back in time to the earliest point possible and slowly stimulate earlier and earlier developments of the time machine? (Something I've actually pondered)

Why gay men were always portrayed so unusually in Japanese media, like leeron from gurren lagann and Hirragi from .hack? (Personal favorite question of mine )

Can sophora talk?

Did Hirragi charm those Pk's with his feminine wiles?

Why the hell did sokaki think he could take over the world with a video game when it was obvious the key to world domination relies on TV? (First part is me I.E. the not TV part)

Why did the dark god chim assassin get so little screen time? (Dark god chim assassin: yea I want people to care about me! Author: Fine, you'll get an appearance in something, I just don't know what, probably a Medabots fan-fic of mine… Dark god chim assassin :…)

And other things that were even less important that Matsu was pondering, for absolutely no reason.

Meanwhile on top of the temple for no good reason Haseo looked down at the party of three. "Think I should take out Matsu guys?" He asked Silabus and gaspard nonchalantly.

"That meanie?" Gaspard said, "I dunno…" He added sarcastically.

"Go for it!" Silabus shouted rather quickly for him.

"All right then." Haseo said pointing his dual guns at Matsu, "Wait a second did both of you just endorse violence in no time flat?" Haseo asked quizzically.

"Oh my god I did!" Gaspard shouted surprised at himself. "Must say something about Matsu I guess…" Gaspard trailed off trying to figure out why he had endorsed violence.

"So what!" Silabus shouted, "Let's PK him and steal all of his items. And you know what better yet you can use your avatar Haseo and make Matsu go into a coma."

"Silabus, are you endorsing extreme violence?" Haseo asked. He paused for a moment nodded at gaspard and then pointed his dual guns at Silabus. "Who are you?"

Silabus was surrounded by black dots, "YOU FOUND ME OUT." He said, "I AM THE DARK GOD CHIM ASSASSING GETTIGN AN EARLY APPEARANCE! BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!! I TALK IN ALL CAPS AND ALL CAPS IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!!"

"What?" Haseo asked as the dark god chim assassin appeared before him. Then he kicked Haseo with two of his four legs, and then he kicked gaspard with another two.

"I CAN KICK NOW!" The dark god chim assassin shouted, "WHICH MAKES A LOT OF SENSE, BUT THEN RAISES THE QUESTION WHY REGULAR CHIM ASSASSINS DON'T KICK. I MEAN THEY HAVE FOUR LEGS AND GIANT SHURIKEN. WHY DON'T THEY KICK OR USE THE SHURIKEN. WELL ACTUALLY IT MAKES SENSE WHY THEY DON'T USE THE SHURIKEN, THEY LACK HANDS, BUT THEN WHY DO THEY HAVE IT I MEAN WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING A BIG WEAPON IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO USE IT?"

Of course Matsu saw the chim taller than the entire beast temple appear on the roof and said, "Monster, let's kill it!" He said waving his party members forwards like commando's.

"Right." Hirragi said having now made up with Matsu.

"…" What sophora said is anybody's guess, but he went with Matsu ninja swords at the ready.

"Now I'll blast the thing with my bayonet and then sophora will go in close while I stay mid range and act as a meat shield for Hirragi."

"Meat shield eh?" Hirragi said, "Sounds hot."

Matsu just ran faster.

Then they saw the dark god chim assassin up close. "HA I AM THE DARK GOD CHIM ASSASSIN. I AM THE ABSOLUTE MONARCH THAT IS KING OF THE THEOCRATIC CHIM SOCIETY!"

"So what you practice your own divine right?" Matsu asked.

"MORE OR LESS, YEA."

"Wow, that's a sweet deal." Matsu muttered as he targeted the dark god chim assassin. When he shot it with dusk bullet he hit home, but each of the hits only did about a dozen damage.

"HA YOU MAY BE ABLE TO HARM ME, BUT UNLESS YOU HAVE A HARVEST CLERIC IN YOUR PARTY IT WILL BE NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE TO DEFEAT ME!!"

Sophora walked up to the dark god chim assassin and produced her staff. "…!!" She um, 'shouted'.

"OH NO YOU DO HAVE ONE!" The dark god chim assassin said in fear. "BUT I CAN STILL KILL YOU BEFORE YOU HIT ME, EAT MY FEET!" The dark god chim assassin then kicked Matsu. "WHOOPS WRONG PERSON." He admitted as the staff came down on his head and deflated him.

"Well shall we leave Matsu here?" Hirragi asked sophora.

"Yes." Sophora _really_ said.

"Good, that's what I was going to do anyway." Hirragi said with a laugh, "That's what he gets for revealing us to the avatar button."

-End-

Next time on .hack/gu party time, will the purpose of the avatar button be revealed? Will the dark god chim assassin make an appearance in either this or a Medabots fanfic of mine? Can you stimulate time travel further back in time? Why do chim assassins have shuriken when they have no hands? Why don't they kick at least? And most importantly, why _did _sokaki think he could take over the world with the internet?

Maybe one of the questions will actually be answered in the next .hack/gu party time!


End file.
